MARRIAGEophobic

MARRIAGE.....

a simple word represents commitment,love,honesty,diamond ring(FUN PART OF IT)and....loyalty...and of course last and foremost;not being lonely for the rest of your life as well as not being dead until turns rotten and being bitten by rats for few weeks in your big fancy house without anyone knows...oh I forgot... MARRIAGE: sharing!

Thinking whether you will ever be married to someone sometimes do gives me a goosebumps but imagining being fully attached to someone for the rest of your life and being stuck to someone like a glue morning till night,days after days,years after years,decades after decades is suffocating me....

please give me air!!i love my long time teddy bear and my bantal bushuk garfield but somehow i do happend to buy other cute and adorable teddies..not for a replacement or the next sleeping companion but juz for the sake of fulfilling my desire as my heart will melt looking at other cute teddies comparing to my orange-faded garfiled lying there on my bed,hopelessly.

well im not comparing marriage nor my future husband to a teddy but the main concern now is the power of pushing away desires and wanting something new need to be put aside right after marriage...and lust towards other mouth- watering hunks!!well this is making my head spinning..

loyalty is the question.yes keep telling yourself you are a goddamn loyal person for the past ten years that your shared with your boyfriend BUT...does loyalty will last?what if your expiry date for your loyalty is when your relationship turns 15 years not when it is 10 (right now) and that time no matter how good looking your boyfriend is ,in your eyes he looks like an over burned rosted turkey which even your cat wont have the heart to eat it and to make things even crucial even the mamak jual roti can flatter you and making you smile shyly and your heart pounds when he only gives you a free ikan bilis bun.seriously that is when your loyalty power is reaching expiry date.

what will i do if this happens?in my marriage??

the word marriage and what it represents do sometimes scare me.how scary it is?so scary until i feel like replacing the word hantu to marriage.like in malay culture when you sense there's something wrong like you can feel the present of a ghost or pontianak you can't actually mention the name.it is like a taboo...so if im in a car will it be ok if i say" wey, i can feel that marriage is near.."with my face turned pale and sweat coming out at my forehead.but i guess even if i don't replace the word ghost to marriage somehow that is exactly how i look when my mother or my ex boyfriend mentioned the word to me,so might as well i compare marriage to a ghost.my face turned pale,my forehead gets sweaty, my heartbeats are suddenly remind me of metalica songs and my throat will get so dry like as if i have'nt drink for the past 2 weeks (effects of the word marriage)this is weird..im a girl or ...lady hehe...marriage shud brings colours and supposedly making me flying without wings..

it is not a shock if my future boyfriend started to make a proposing gesture and on his way to be on his knees while me in the other hand will close both my ears and starts singing "london bridge is falling down" as loud as i can and run as fast as i can away from him...

do i have commitment issue?or im just plain scared over the consequences over marriage or im just over dramatic??like last week..i went to carrefour to buy grocerries for my own place, i went there wit a friend.the plan was to buy stuff for cooking as this can cut down my expenses (now that i am unemployed) as i reached the counter to pay while i was queing at the aisle i starred at my trolly.my head started to be dizzy as the trolley looked definitely different.it looks like my mother's!!as i tried to recalled my usual looking trolley i realized this is waaayyyy much different than the usual ones.the usual ones content:
1.fresh milk
2.cereal
3.can drinks
4.maggie
5.lays chips

i guess thats all but to make things a little bit serius:mineral water

last week's trolley:
1. all the things above
2.except chips and carton of can drinks
3.frozen food
4.udang kering
5.bawang besar
6.rempah kurma
7.rempah sambal petai udang
8.tepung!!!!

and the list goes on and on that made me turned dizzy.as i slowly turned over to other people's trolley...yes..the old chinese lady next aisle with no facial expression (walking zombie) and her old mean-looking husband have kinda same looking trolley as mine.behind me (young indian couple)do have the same "fun" looking trolley as mine minus rempah....i started making a drama to my friend.kept on telling her how im not ready for this kinda trolley.she kept on laughing and i..was serious.until my friend said that "at least u didnt go to the diapers department"i was stunned over her statement.the way she said it so very casual,as if dis kind of trolley is normal to her and her next level is having pampers in it!!oh no...i felt left behind..so so far away.is like playing a video game and im at the first stage of mario brothers.

yes...i got back i kept the receipt on the fridge (nope i don have a magnet at my fridge...a magnet at my fridge is like playing second stage of mario brothers hehe)