For better or worse..

My heart was moved when the first time i saw auntie "buah" who sells fruits just in front of my office building together with her husband pushing their cart fill with fruits. It was a hard push as the road is slightly slanted. Auntie will seat on her old bicycle, navigating the cart while uncle will push the cart all the way from few blocks away till their spot. Under the hot sun with sweats all over his face, uncle pushes the cart with all his heart.

Meanwhile, same goes with the makcik "kuih" near my office that always get some hands from her husband who is a security guard in my office building. Pakcik will help her wife to set up the table and pack it up once his wife is done. Sometimes i can see him accompanying her at the stall with a smile and laughter on both of their faces.

Life is hard even for some one who is closer to me. My auntie and uncle, despite having a luxurious life and a successful career, their marriage is challenged approximately for almost 15 years when my uncle was diagnosed with a kidney failure which as a wife my auntie has been by his side to give her support and undying love. Due to his diagnosis, for 15 years they will make a frequent visit to the hospital in a month for dialysis. With a big career and huge responsibility at work, my auntie managed to juggled her time and slot in her no.1 priority; which is the love of her life my uncle.

I remembered when i was younger, my friends and i will always have conversations about what sort of man that i look for to satisfy my heart. And just like every other girls, i have my typical requirement over boys. Tall, funny, not so thin not so big, big eyes, nice to smell and of course good looking. Never crosses my mind that the next few years this extensive list of requirement will be shorten into something simple yet much more difficult to find in a person. A man that will conquer my heart will be the one who will be with me for better or worse..well with a good smile wont hurt :p

If only im Nabila Kardashian

it is 8 am on monday today. Im all awake since sahur and straight to the office at 630 am. Just for today im an early riser due to invigilation. as i reached here at 7am i walked straight to the office to show my "determination" and "enthusiasm" towards my duty. Funny as i reach at the exam unit department, the door is close and the room is empty. The stupid thing is, they have stressed so many time to the lectures to collect exam questions 30 minutes before exam starts. waited till 7.45 then the admin people arrived.

Stupid when people made the rule but they themselves are not the biggest fan of that particular rule. anyway, enough said.

Being here at 8am, sleepy, cold and bored making me asking myself again, why didnt i have an interesting talent so that maybe i could be a singer, comedian, actress or maybe a porn star. Having a big headache due to accessive dosage of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" yesterday making me feel like banging my head at the wall even more.

Watching fake reality tv shows on sunday always make you hate your own life. you will started to think that life could be fun like how the Kardashians makes it look like, life can be all hip and happening and can even lead to a conclusion that MY LIFE SUCKS. watching Giuliana & Bill makes me feel my bachelorette's crip is the ugliest and watching Kimora makes me feel terribly underpaid.

With a masters degree in communication and my major in broadcasting i cant believe i am still flimsy and still open to be corrupted by media. Every monday morning, while i am showering i am very determine to send in my resignation letter, and today the feeling is even worst haha. when thinking about resigning sudddenly my mind and soul are being modest, it started to tell me that it is ok if you work part time and earn 800 ringgit..you can survive when all this time with my proper salary i always believe im underpaid. monday blues strikes back or the return of the monday blues. it will never end.

I hate you the Kardashians!!

an annual event

im starting to believe that my act of posting on my blog is more like an annual event. haha..guess im not really a minum blog, makan blog, tidur blog kinda person.

it is already the mid of the year. the end of 2011 is coming. so many events occured as it part of adulthood, the colison of great and unfortunate events towards me. Now that i am working,time flies so fast that sometimes it scares me. And everytime when i read back the things that ive posted on you few years back, it feels like reading an artifact haha..

the worst thing had happened this year, i had to grasp the sadness of losing something important in life. i have lost my one and only companion, ELMO THE CAT. elmo left the family without any final hug. he was sick. elmo had FIDS. How he went away, none of us know, elmo went missing and never came back. The whole family hope that at the last few moments of his life, elmo was calmed and wasnt scared. And went he closed his eyes its more like feeling sleeping rocking on a hammock with a cool breeze. what i really do hope was that the love that he got was satisfying and at the time he was about to went away he took the time to reminisce with a smile instead of opting to die due to neglection.

Dear Elmo, enjoy your life up there coz you have enjoyed your life here. you are deeply miss and although the whole family has been going through changes dont ever think you were less important. WE LOVE YOU.

Where do I go From Here?

As i grew older, i can see the bond that i have with my father is getting stronger. This is actually to compensate the mistake i made towards him back then.i remember how it was when i was little, i mean younger. Back in the days when going to school is my weekdays routine. I was not able to tickle my father's fancy.He claimed that my resistant to disclose about myself, my days and my interest at that time had left him having all sorts of doubts about me. We werent close, in fact so far from close. Well, i have nothing to hide. i was just not keen to let anyone to cross or to climb this wall that i have built which on the other side of that wall, theres me and this adequate space i reserved just for myself regardless no one comprehend this attitude including my father. Actually, to be more precise i was a rebellious kid back then that is why i wasnt his favorite haha there more accurate.

However, now that we are getting closer i believe i made a mistake of pushing him away few years back. His kindness, his understanding temeperament, his way of indulging my inquisitions had left me to fond him even more. i was wrong papa little while ago. im sorry.

It is true, that the only place that you can find answers for all your doubts is only a step away. my father is like the concierge desk that you can find in the mall. Everytime im lost he is more or less a compass for me. i told him that i do no know where to go now. my career path is more like a bumpy ride for me. i told him i was the one who was little , imagined that i will be succesfull in an ad agency. i was keen to explore the working world, i was excited to be part of the ad world, unfortunately the advertsing world wasnt keen for me. i prepared myself with skills and interest as i believe this what destined for me, but then turned out i was wrong. advertsing wasnt a nicely fitted t-shirt for me. So i step into the academic world. it was ironic at first. as that is what also mentioned by my father. I was a kindargarten drop-out, a student who was chased by the desciplinary teacher, a student who prayed that her lecturer will face a punctured tyre and a student who hide in the toilet for not getting her work done, a student that will firstly sign a petition for the class to be postpone, the one who clapped the loudest when the class is over and the one who bought a pen only when there are exams...and ironically a lecturer now.

I told him that i do not know where to go from here. i wish i have the power to choose whats best for me and i also wish i have the ability to survive in that dog eat dog world (advertising world) because that is where i always wanted to be. not here. but then being here is what is good for me. But then not all good things are right for us isnt it? Most of the time i wonder, how could my father survive and did not succumb in his journey of living in this unfair world. Life is mean.

My dad always remind me when i was little, that you cant never get whatever you want in your life. At that time i was only 5. he only mentioned that whenever i cried for toys. i never imagine i must perceive its in depth definition in near future.

My father said whatever we do, they only way to be satisfied is not to look back. He said whatever route that we chose, we step in and we ran as fast as we can till the finishing line. It isnt our place to question our destiny,he said a PERFECT life is not a wonderful life after all and its not even closer to the extended definition of life. This is life. A journey with blue clouds, moutains to climb, ocean to get through, stars to navigate and lights as a hope. He said he cant never promise that i will have a perfect life in future but he can promise that i will have a good life with a beautiful journey. Well than papa, i believe so, the journey is much more beautiful as i always have you all the way!

I hope i can see things clearly eventually. patience and hope will be my core virtues to let me be able to distinguish what is best for my life..insyallah.

comment ca va?

I cant hardly understand french although i have learnt it for almost 3 years, back when i was in uni. however, with my level of proficiency i believe that ccomment ca va means "how are you doing"SO, how are you doing? i know i have left you unattended for decades and thats it because 1. nothing spectacular events happened in my life 2. writing blog is not for leisure in my case as i dont have internet coverage at home. WHat is doing-it-for-leisure when in order to do it you have to go tru a lot of hassle isnt it?ANyway, standard reply for comment ca va is ca va bien, means "im doin fine" yup, JUST FINE.

A student of mine came to me and told me about you actually, he said things that i wrote to you are intresting. to be honest, i have forgotten all about you. i had to request for my own password in order to enter you earlier. If you are still wondering whether im still living in predicaments, i must say yes. But this time its in differnt context. You must be tired listening to my prolong predicament stories but then its not that im enjoying myself as well. Life for me does not come in a package you must know, sealed with with beautiful wrapper and attached with a lovely ribbon and together with a small note saying "beautiful life for this one beautiful soul" however my life comes in a form of pieces of puzzles and attached with a note saying "TOO BAD SO SAD". Therefore, im not trying to say it is bad entirely, there are times when the puzzles bring good discoveries in the end.

Okay enough whinning. Owh not to forget, im about to finish my master degree soon insyaallah. Only god knows how much im yearning and desperately want it to be done. im counting the days to be honest. Along the way studying lots of crucial and unfortunate things happened. I had to struggle to obtain my willingness to get my master done. I cant imagine myself graduating next year, i believe this time i will shed a tear. i will remember the hardness of achieving. It wasnt easy like how it was in degree and diploma. If you askedme, i do not know why. I believe this is part of the test as well. When i went for the interview a year and a half ago, a professor told me that it is not easy persuing master. the hardness doesnt lie in the subjects but in a framework that you could never imagine..its just its temperament.And..he is right. there are lots of circumstances that i need to face and conditions that i need to opt. There are times when i cried myself to sleep as this is the only remedy to keep on going.

Anyway, im all grown up and wiser. Just like one of my student said "life is about vision, without vision, confusion"i guess this is how things were preodained to me : life=puzzles.i need to have vision in order not live in confusion which led by the puzzles. Enough philosophy making me drowsy. so AU REVOIR! missing you much!

Reality + Fantasy = Half Crazy

Few years back,we are all worried about how music icons and also movies have the ability to influence and even corrupt the mind of a child and even teenagers act.Some believed and some didnt.Some took actions and there are few who didnt. Some did taking it seriously while some often took it for granted.Having a serious attachments towards movies and music will unconsciously draw a person's personality and mentality.

Rockers are oftenly been stereotype by public as drug abuser due to their laid-back personality. As this mentality grow...in my point of view the society itself has created this propaganda which as a result they themselves are afraid over their own assumption.paranoia seems to take control their minds especially parents.without thinking staright and more rational ,parents seems to forget they themselves can be part of the reason of shaping their kids' mind and personality.

This matter and issue has been discussed thousand times in the media especially.Lets not go far about this matter as i will go on and on about it.What is bothering my mind now is not about music and artist anymore because this issue has been going on for a long time.Society should start to realizing that there is another new issue coming up lately in the society which is :THE POWER OF DRAMA SERIES. drama series that are created through imagination and fantasy supposedly become a source of entertainment and also source of leisure BUT few takes these dram series as an example on how they should lead their everyday lives.

Do not get shocked if there few people who did checked "One Tree Hill" on the atlas and do not get shocked that there few kids starting to get very eager to live their lifes in the Orange County. Now artists are no more been taken as icons but...these drama series characters has been taken as..not just icons but also imaginary friends...

People started to take the Kardashians' lifestyle seriously and wishing at the same time that they themselves has a family like the Kardashians.Few are wishing that they can have lifes in high school like "The Gossip Girl" has,partying like Chuck Bass, having a cool -over dramatic and mellow life like in "The One Tree Hill" and so much more.Being in a rehab is a cool thing now (that is how these drama series potray) and no mre prom nite like The Sweet Valley but...hitting exclusive parties.

Young and fabulous just how the drama series trying to potray.And the kids mentality is "this is how my life should be!!" rather than going to school with ugly uniforms, stay back at school for extra co-curiculum and night classes.

Being control and at the same living in this fantasy and "fun" world making people not realistic and the same time can be called half-crazy.imaginary lifes,imaginary world,imaginary personality and friends will develop ultimate hallucination take can bring bad result not towrds health but mental.

Being in love with Seth Cohen "The OC" is normal but waiting for a guy and searching for a guy who pretty much exactly like Seth Cohen whom his father a lawyer and has brother like Ryan and has a friend like Marissa Cooper will slowly jeorpardize minds and everything that have been making you a normal human being.In short,these people need to get treatment because as time goes by they will be nothing but people who is stuck in between reality and fantasy just like people who is in coma.

At the same time this people is living life in hallucination without even taking drugs.imagination runs wild and even tend to make all kinds of dramas in their own lifes making them unrealistics and even mentally ill

3 Little Words

Whenever i say "3 little words" first impression the people will tthink o come out from my mouth will be "i love you".how come 3 little words now means i love you?it can be i hate you or maybe i am hungry?or i am late.

"i love you" one popular line that will be used as to express one special feelings that is buried down in your heart.But sometimes the line is used as a routine,as a cover up when you made a mistake for example "how could you do dis to me?" and you can reply "im sorry but I LOVE YOU" sometimes it can be a replacement for the word "thank you" like when a boyfriend bought you something that you always screaming for,sheepishly you will smile and say"i love you"with a hug.The motive of the word i love you is already been misused and over used.When you are on the phone with someone you love and there is a long pause,to break the silent suddenly you just say "i love you" to make him or her feel secured but actually the love is fading and that is way there is a long pause dude.

Some people believe i love you is a one powerful word that cant be simply said.Some can just say it like it means nothing.Well,it is good better to make love than war.3 Little words means a lot from my point of view.The moment you said i love you to someone a line of commitment and expectation starting to appear.Such as: better say it everyday (and with a smile),cnt forget to say it (merajuk nanti),jealousy (u love me dont love anyone else) Got to show what you've said (expectation) Got to make sacrifices (you love me what) So for me,it is a powerful word.Have to be ready to say it coz once you've said it unconsiously you are silently owned.

So these 3 little words usually will be said when there is a feeling of love inside existed. But how can you compare or differentiate love and care?i mean is normal to say rite before you hang up the phone "i care for you"?is love and care are the same and falls under the same category?So for me ,when people say i love you, for me i love you is just a word while CARE can only be express tru action and gesture.Caring gesture and feeling shows sincerity but i love you still can create doubts and uncertainty.

By showing you care and without mentioning it to the other person whatever you do will be highly appreciated and will be considered sweet.But the moment you said i love,you will be judged and no matter what you do will never be enough.that is why people created this: meredah lautan dan belantara untuk membuktikan cinta.Melalui jalan berapi and yada yada...but if for the CARING category.."are you sick,here let me get water for you" (awwww sweet....)easy dont you think?but for LOVE category: "are you sick?let me get water for you" (water only?!go buy food and get me medicine la woi,stupid...say dis love cheh) so it is better to care about others rather than loving them...

So better be careful to used the word i love you because this sweet LITTLE 3 words are not so little to me. When the feeling of love grow make him or her say it first so that you are standing on a safer ground.anythin hapen you can counter back "hallo you say first what,i said it because you said so"my idea here to make you have less responsibility over what you have said meanwhile he or she who said it first got to prove more.while you play it cool dude....hehe