Where do I go From Here?

As i grew older, i can see the bond that i have with my father is getting stronger. This is actually to compensate the mistake i made towards him back then.i remember how it was when i was little, i mean younger. Back in the days when going to school is my weekdays routine. I was not able to tickle my father's fancy.He claimed that my resistant to disclose about myself, my days and my interest at that time had left him having all sorts of doubts about me. We werent close, in fact so far from close. Well, i have nothing to hide. i was just not keen to let anyone to cross or to climb this wall that i have built which on the other side of that wall, theres me and this adequate space i reserved just for myself regardless no one comprehend this attitude including my father. Actually, to be more precise i was a rebellious kid back then that is why i wasnt his favorite haha there more accurate.

However, now that we are getting closer i believe i made a mistake of pushing him away few years back. His kindness, his understanding temeperament, his way of indulging my inquisitions had left me to fond him even more. i was wrong papa little while ago. im sorry.

It is true, that the only place that you can find answers for all your doubts is only a step away. my father is like the concierge desk that you can find in the mall. Everytime im lost he is more or less a compass for me. i told him that i do no know where to go now. my career path is more like a bumpy ride for me. i told him i was the one who was little , imagined that i will be succesfull in an ad agency. i was keen to explore the working world, i was excited to be part of the ad world, unfortunately the advertsing world wasnt keen for me. i prepared myself with skills and interest as i believe this what destined for me, but then turned out i was wrong. advertsing wasnt a nicely fitted t-shirt for me. So i step into the academic world. it was ironic at first. as that is what also mentioned by my father. I was a kindargarten drop-out, a student who was chased by the desciplinary teacher, a student who prayed that her lecturer will face a punctured tyre and a student who hide in the toilet for not getting her work done, a student that will firstly sign a petition for the class to be postpone, the one who clapped the loudest when the class is over and the one who bought a pen only when there are exams...and ironically a lecturer now.

I told him that i do not know where to go from here. i wish i have the power to choose whats best for me and i also wish i have the ability to survive in that dog eat dog world (advertising world) because that is where i always wanted to be. not here. but then being here is what is good for me. But then not all good things are right for us isnt it? Most of the time i wonder, how could my father survive and did not succumb in his journey of living in this unfair world. Life is mean.

My dad always remind me when i was little, that you cant never get whatever you want in your life. At that time i was only 5. he only mentioned that whenever i cried for toys. i never imagine i must perceive its in depth definition in near future.

My father said whatever we do, they only way to be satisfied is not to look back. He said whatever route that we chose, we step in and we ran as fast as we can till the finishing line. It isnt our place to question our destiny,he said a PERFECT life is not a wonderful life after all and its not even closer to the extended definition of life. This is life. A journey with blue clouds, moutains to climb, ocean to get through, stars to navigate and lights as a hope. He said he cant never promise that i will have a perfect life in future but he can promise that i will have a good life with a beautiful journey. Well than papa, i believe so, the journey is much more beautiful as i always have you all the way!

I hope i can see things clearly eventually. patience and hope will be my core virtues to let me be able to distinguish what is best for my life..insyallah.

comment ca va?

I cant hardly understand french although i have learnt it for almost 3 years, back when i was in uni. however, with my level of proficiency i believe that ccomment ca va means "how are you doing"SO, how are you doing? i know i have left you unattended for decades and thats it because 1. nothing spectacular events happened in my life 2. writing blog is not for leisure in my case as i dont have internet coverage at home. WHat is doing-it-for-leisure when in order to do it you have to go tru a lot of hassle isnt it?ANyway, standard reply for comment ca va is ca va bien, means "im doin fine" yup, JUST FINE.

A student of mine came to me and told me about you actually, he said things that i wrote to you are intresting. to be honest, i have forgotten all about you. i had to request for my own password in order to enter you earlier. If you are still wondering whether im still living in predicaments, i must say yes. But this time its in differnt context. You must be tired listening to my prolong predicament stories but then its not that im enjoying myself as well. Life for me does not come in a package you must know, sealed with with beautiful wrapper and attached with a lovely ribbon and together with a small note saying "beautiful life for this one beautiful soul" however my life comes in a form of pieces of puzzles and attached with a note saying "TOO BAD SO SAD". Therefore, im not trying to say it is bad entirely, there are times when the puzzles bring good discoveries in the end.

Okay enough whinning. Owh not to forget, im about to finish my master degree soon insyaallah. Only god knows how much im yearning and desperately want it to be done. im counting the days to be honest. Along the way studying lots of crucial and unfortunate things happened. I had to struggle to obtain my willingness to get my master done. I cant imagine myself graduating next year, i believe this time i will shed a tear. i will remember the hardness of achieving. It wasnt easy like how it was in degree and diploma. If you askedme, i do not know why. I believe this is part of the test as well. When i went for the interview a year and a half ago, a professor told me that it is not easy persuing master. the hardness doesnt lie in the subjects but in a framework that you could never imagine..its just its temperament.And..he is right. there are lots of circumstances that i need to face and conditions that i need to opt. There are times when i cried myself to sleep as this is the only remedy to keep on going.

Anyway, im all grown up and wiser. Just like one of my student said "life is about vision, without vision, confusion"i guess this is how things were preodained to me : life=puzzles.i need to have vision in order not live in confusion which led by the puzzles. Enough philosophy making me drowsy. so AU REVOIR! missing you much!